Clasagna's Lil'dirty Kool-aid

 

     All the world to write about and seemingly nothing to say. Well, that’s just not like me at all! Every time I get onto social media I manage to get triggered by all sorts of things! All sorts of things that are surely mostly trivial, irrelevant nonsense.

     National politics. A shooting in some-big-city, somewhere, some amount of people tragically effected. Terrible for certain, but serving only to paralyze as gun reforms are regarded by many shortsighted people as the greatest threat to being able to take on the US military if the need ever arose(Good luck against the US military with your 30 round AR-15 clips). Often it is more unrest in the middle east of some kind or another? The US is chock full of Christians. The Jews, and Israel especially, get a big propaganda bump over here just for all their mentions in a very famous book. You might know it. All the best people, the beautiful people, are selling one. The Bible. You know the one. Not the Guitar Bible, or the French Pastry chef’s Bible. Regardless of mentions, and whose-its, what-nots and such, all of these things are, more or less, for better or worse, irrelevant to me.

     From what I can gather from the protestant bible (there are SO MANY, wonderful versions of the bible, with different wonderful chapters; very disorganized really; but beautiful, and wonderful), ahem, so WHAT I CAN GATHER from "The Bible", the nightly news, and published world history; the middle east is a nightmare. It’s a war-torn, festering shit-hole region, suffering socioeconomically, religiously, culturally, and agriculturally.  Constantly at war with itself and others. Honestly, I know WAY MORE than I ever wanted to about the place, but still, none of my actual concern. But still useful.

     After having thought, ‘festering shithole’, I realized that it’s surprising how just thinking of such things; even the greater middle east as a whole; can be inspiring. I remembered that over there, the people* use bidets much more commonly than Americans. Then my butt felt a lil’dirty^* and POP! I realized; it might just be relevant to me after all. I do clean a little better back there than some people. I use some homemade alcohol wipes; made with a little paper towel & hand sanitizer combo.

“What’s that? Speak up.” I react as someone out of earshot has begun to criticize.

“I’m killing my what?” I ask.

“My bacterial fauna shields. With sanitizer?” I hear a ‘yes’.

“Nonsense.” they insist they are correct.

“Nonsense horseshit.” I insist.

“I WILL NOT capitulate**.” I do enjoy the crisp clean of a well-kept ass.

     So now I surely have offended some people. And you could say, just by trying to stay out of things that mostly don’t concern me. It really doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. Just opening your mouth will get someone offended these days. With almost even the dumbest of fucks; no offense; having attained just enough education to read and social grace to begin to form a competent layman’s broaching of any subject matter. Especially with some outside coaching. 

     Who-boy! Are there some eager coaches out there.  Many organizations these days prioritize and target these people. They 'prey' on these people. Counting on them to blindly follow along and regurgitate. Recruiting them to fight for, and maybe even die for their message. After all, they are HERE, for YOU! To support you, help you, shape, and guide you. Now go preach the words of hope on pain of death, hell eternal, or the existential self-inflicted dread of accidentally trans-shaming a peer with proper English pronoun usage. 

      Lookout religion, the Trans ideologists are maybe just as brutal as you! They’ve got sex to sell on their side! And they’re getting the little kids into it early too. They don’t want to misgender anyone before “child” can regurge some words for the parents to seize on and start throwing either dresses or GI Joes at “CHILD” to “support” them. There was a time when it was socially acceptable to admit a lack of knowledge on a subject and dismiss oneself from any discussion of it. NO MORE! Now we receive our 1 to 5 paragraphs needed for informed righteous indignation aaand...

     MARCH! 2! 3! 4! Hup! 2! 3! 4! Left! 2! 3! 4! Right! 2! 3! 4! Company! Halt! Company! We have received 2 new paragraphs! As of 3 o’clock GFT(gender free time) there are now 3 new genders since 9 am GFT this morning. A newly detailed pronoun usage definitions package update has arrived from ‘they/them’; ‘her when alone’; ‘he/him’ sometimes when angry, toxic, or with the people that still deadname him, sorry, ‘her’; ‘us’ when feeling like they, we, us, me, who, idfk, maybe; MAY BE, a psychic medium for the moment, Clasaragen Barinkermedley EdgerMcHofferton. I have it on good authority this name is not a made-up nonsense name, IT’S INCLUSIVE, and was received spiritually whilst tripping on mushrooms, live on "Chatsturbators!", singing, working 2 dildos, edging often, and tons.

     The following is a one paragraph commercial for ‘Everywipe’.

“Captain, sensors indicate there is a lifeform on Uranus.” It's time! Time to make time for an alcohol wipe! {jingle music 1} If it’s itchy and it's Gotch'you squirmin', that means its tiiime for sure men! Squirt, squirt, you flirt, and wipe away that grime.  Remember, {jingle music 2} You leave a little smear, that's right, unless you clean it, ‘Everywipe’!

     Back to our aforementioned scheduled nonsense, in progress.

“What’s that?” Clasaragen begins speaking just out of earshot quietly so as not to self-trigger ‘pronoun’ (idk which one to use!) gender dysphoria with ‘pronoun’ deep masculine voice.

“No Clasaragen,” I begin to respond, before I faintly make out the words, ‘call me...’

“What?” I ask.

“Call you Clasagna?”

“Because Eat you?” Clasagna began rubbing (‘itself’?) Clasagna.

“I’m a go change quick in the women’s bathroom.” Said Clasagna as the sexdrive took over, chasing away dysphoric fears.

“No Clas, you can’t change in the women’s bathroom.”

“Yes, I can, I’ve done woman training and I need to put on my sports gear.”

“No Clas, breast implants and sissy porn does not qualify you for women’s volleyball.”

“Yes, it does so.” said the person born a man and then exposed to gender ideology through aggressive activism and or various pornography choices. “I make your asshole itchy, bitch. It’s because you want me. You have a crush, let me crush it.”

“NO Clas, my asshole didn’t get itchy because of you. I DO have a crush, but I respect the fact that you are a clear slut and probably also filthily disease ridden.”

“I’m not a slut.” Clas gaped. “I’m an easy flirt and a good time.”

“I was saying, I mentioned you and then went and wrote the *, **, &DISCLAIMER pieces quick. ** was like the 4^th thing I considered for my second * note***. Being confused and then solving something really triggers my bacterial fauna back there. They’re VERY supportive.”

“I know what you mean.” Clas smiled seductively.

“Yes, yes. I know you like that. What’s that Clasagna?” Clas began talking out of earshot again. “There’s another new gender? This time one based on our rotational relative position to the giant black hole throbbing inside our milky way galaxy? Interesting. Listen, I’ve been thinking, I’m not certain you should really be in charge of our gender information coaching dept anymore.”

“Why?” a hurt and devastated Clas asked, once again in earshot.

“I just think it’s not a good fit.”

     And just like that, my writing practice had both resumed for the week, and yet ended for now****. Did it make sense? Does Kim Kardashian brand Kool-Aid make sense? Who knows. But It might make money. Especially the Kool-aid if she has maybe Donald Trump, or Marginal Trailer Genes introduce it.

“KKKool-aid” What the ‘Kool’ people drink.”

*(All of them regardless of race, ethnicity, or color. Maybe they would get along better with dirtier butts? Something to think about.)

^*(lil’dirty, niether the rap legends Lil’Dirty or Lil’dirTAY)

**(SEE. More aggressive. I refused to capitulate. Maybe it’s time we “all” just smeared our poop with paper until it’s “Mostly clean”. The American way. A little shittier, but more peaceful than the war crazed bidet people. Make America Great Again? We forgot how great we already are.)

***(I did the ^* lil’dirty note in a post edit.)

****(See ya next time!)

&DISCLAIMER: This piece is LOADED with sarcasm and jokes. DON’T LET THE DUMBEST AMONG US TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY AND BEGIN YET ONE MORE RELIGION. Please and thank you. And please go wash your butt. GET ANGRY! Make a difference! Get a Bidet!